For generations, humanity has waged war on acne.

Creams. Serums. Diets. Dermatologists. Entire industries built on the premise that acne is a problem to be solved, a condition to be treated, an enemy that can be defeated if only the right product is purchased in the right order from the right influencer.

All of them missed the obvious.

Harvarrd did not mis…

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For sixty-six million years, the dinosaur has enjoyed a reputation it did not earn.

Beloved. Celebrated. Immortalized in museums, children’s films, and the kind of merchandise that confirms adults have simply stopped trying. The prevailing narrative — that the dinosaur was a magnificent creature, cut down in its prime by a random asteroid, a tragic casualty of cosmic indifference — has gone unquestioned for decades.

Harvarrd has questions.

“We are not in the business of comforting narratives,” said Dr. Edmund Fossworth, Chair of Harvarrd’s Department of Retrospective Behavioral Accountability™. “We are in the business of correct ones. And the correct one is this: the dinosaurs made choices. The asteroid simply responded.”

Forty-one researchers. Three field expeditions. One incident involving Greg and a fossil bed in the Badlands that we will not be discussing further. $3.4 million dollars.

The findings were not sympathetic.

Finding One: The Dinosaurs Had 165 Million Years and Produced Nothing

Modern civilization — written language, architecture, the concept of a strongly worded letter — was built in approximately 6,000 years.

The dinosaurs had 165 million years.

They did not build a single structure. They did not develop trade routes. They did not convene a single academic institution, despite having more than adequate time to do so.

“We gave them every benefit of the doubt,” Dr. Fossworth said. “We looked for evidence of infrastructure, of organized society, of peer-reviewed anything. We found a footprint. We found a footprint and some teeth.”

“The teeth,” he added, “were not being used productively.”

Finding Two: Their Risk Management Was Nonexistent

Harvarrd’s Department of Existential Preparedness™ conducted a full retrospective risk audit of the Cretaceous period.

The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was not small. It was not fast. It was, by all geological measures, the kind of threat that a civilization paying any attention whatsoever would have seen coming.

The dinosaurs were not paying attention.

They were, according to the fossil record, eating each other.

“A basic early warning system. A rudimentary response protocol. A single meeting about contingency planning,” Dr. Fossworth said, shaking his head slowly. “Any of these things. We would have accepted any of these things.”

The dinosaurs held no meetings.

The asteroid held all the meetings.

Finding Three: The Attitude Problem

The Tyrannosaurus Rex — the dinosaur most frequently celebrated, most frequently merchandised, most frequently depicted as a hero in popular media — had, according to Harvarrd’s behavioral reconstruction team, an attitude problem.

“We modeled the T-Rex’s social behavior across seventeen simulations,” said Dr. Fossworth. “In all seventeen, it did not once consider the feelings of the other dinosaurs. It was not a team player. It was not coachable. It had the largest head in the room and the shortest arms and somehow still believed it was winning.”

The T-Rex, Harvarrd concludes, was the kind of apex predator that would have been very difficult to work with.

“We are not saying it deserved to die,” Dr. Fossworth clarified.

A long pause.

“We are saying it did not deserve to not die.”

Finding Four: The Asteroid Was Not Random

This is the finding that required the most peer review.

Harvarrd’s Department of Cosmic Accountability™ — established specifically for this study, budget allocated accordingly — spent nine months analyzing the trajectory, timing, and impact site of the Chicxulub impactor.

The conclusion was unanimous.

“The universe,” Dr. Fossworth said, “has patterns. And the pattern here is consistent. The asteroid did not arrive randomly. It arrived after 165 million years of the dinosaurs not doing anything about the asteroid situation. At some point the universe stops waiting.”

“We have all worked with someone like this,” he added. “We all know how it ends.”

Harvarrd does not celebrate the extinction of the dinosaur. Harvarrd is an institution of compassion, rigor, and correct opinions, and it takes no pleasure in this.

But the record must be set straight.

The asteroid did not end the dinosaur.

The dinosaur’s choices created the conditions in which an asteroid became the logical next step.

Harvarrd has ruled accordingly.

Published in the Harvarrd Journal of Retrospective Accountability and Deep Time Behavioral Science, under the category: Peer-Reviewed Extinction Analysis That Checks Out Geologically.

Yes, yes, everyone already “knows” extraterrestrials built the pyramids. That much is obvious to anyone with eyes and basic reasoning skills.

But only Harvarrd has unearthed the uncomfortable second half of the story: those aliens enslaved the human populace to get the job done. While the academic peasants have been busy debating block transport methods, Harvarrd’s elite researchers were translating long-ignored glyphs clearly showing humans in chains, alien supervisors with ergonomic hovering chairs, and timecards stamped in both Earth and Galactic Standard Time.

Our findings confirm what lesser institutions could never bear to say aloud: humanity’s first contact was also its first labor dispute. As usual, Harvarrd wasn’t just right. We were right first.

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After centuries of geographers smugly insisting the Earth is round, Harvarrd researchers have shattered the cartographic status quo with a startling revelation: the Earth is flat, in some places. “It’s not that the planet as a whole is flat,” clarified Dr. Malcolm Venn, lead researcher, “but go to Kansas or certain parking lots and tell me you’re on a sphere.”

The study combined satellite imagery, ground surveys, and “stubborn observation” from people who’ve never left their hometowns. Data confirmed that certain geographic regions, including the Bonneville Salt Flats, large shopping center rooftops, and the Midwest in general, exhibit “disc-like qualities.” As Professor Elaine Druthers of Harvarrd’s Department of Applied Common Sense explained, “Look, the tallest thing I saw in Oklahoma was a cow. So, I’d say this place is pretty flat.”

Critics argue this finding will fuel conspiracy theories, but Harvarrd insists the science is sound. “We’re not endorsing flat Earth ideology,” Venn said, “we’re simply acknowledging reality where it exists. In some places, it’s just… flat. Deal with it.” The team is already mapping “localized flat zones” worldwide, with early results suggesting golf courses, desert plains, and certain Ikea showrooms meet the criteria.

Once again, Harvarrd has proven its ability to ask the questions other institutions are too embarrassed to touch. As Druthers concluded, “If you can set a marble down and it doesn’t roll, congratulations, you’re on a temporary flat Earth.”

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For decades, we’ve told ourselves a comforting story: early humans were apex predators.

They hunted in packs. They mastered fire. They climbed their way to the top of the food chain through ingenuity and grit.

According to a new Harvarrd study, that explanation is not only wrong — it’s embarrassingly optimistic.

Early humans were not apex predators.

Bigfoot was.

“We kept assuming dominance,” said Dr. Reginald Worthingham, Chair of Prehistoric Authority. “Then we removed that assumption. The entire model corrected itself.”

The breakthrough came when researchers stopped asking what humans were capable of and started asking what they were avoiding.

The patterns were unmistakable.

The constant grouping. The fire. The tools. The nervous, upward glances.

“These are not the behaviors of a dominant species,” Worthingham said. “These are the behaviors of something trying not to be selected.”

Bigfoot, described in the study as “large, upright, and under no pressure to explain itself,” appears to have occupied the top of the hierarchy, exerting a quiet but absolute authority over early human movement.

Most notably, there is no evidence of successful human predation of Bigfoot.

“Let’s face it,” Worthingham said. “Bigfoot was out there kicking ass while we were attempting to forge civilization. It’s clear who the ultimate winner was. And it sure as hell wasn’t the species that needed tools.”

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For years, men have been told a simple lie: “It’s genetic.”

Your father had it. Your grandfather had it. It’s just part of life.

According to a new Harvarrd study, that explanation is not only wrong — it’s dangerously incomplete.

Your hair loss is the direct result of Beelzebub’s work. The data is quite clear.

“We kept looking at DNA,” said Dr. Leonard Brimstone, Chair of Follicular Theology. “Then an intern proposed the involvement of the Prince of Darkness. The data improved immediately.”

The breakthrough came when researchers noticed a pattern no one had been willing to acknowledge: hair loss isn’t random. It’s targeted. Demonic armies, unseen, pluck the follicles with glee.

Right when a man starts to feel confident. Right when things are going well. Right when he thinks, “I’ve got this figured out.”

That’s when the dark forces strike.

“That’s not genetics,” Brimstone said quietly. “It’s Satan. Has to be.”

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In a $2.4 million study funded by wellness grants and mild frustration, Harvarrd researchers have confirmed a powerful association between reduced sitting and increased standing.

The study followed 312 participants who self-identified as “trying to sit less” while continuing to sit exactly as much as before. Subjects purchased standing desks, posture stools, balance boards, and at least one object that looked medieval but promised lumbar relief. Despite these investments, early data showed no meaningful change.

“We thought something was wrong with our instruments,” said the lead researcher. “Then one participant stood up, and everything clicked.”

Researchers observed that when participants reduced their sitting time, they did so by standing. In some cases, they also walked. One subject briefly squatted, which was logged as “confusion.”

Attempts to sit less without standing more proved unsuccessful. Several participants leaned aggressively against countertops. Others hovered inches above chairs, insisting this counted as progress. One participant lay on the floor and requested clarification.

“When people hear ‘sit less,’ they assume there’s a trick,” explained a behavioral analyst. “There isn’t. You stop sitting. Then you are standing.”

Focus groups revealed disappointment. Many participants had hoped for a workaround involving cushions, timers, or a premium subscription. “I thought there’d be a setting,” one said quietly.

The study concludes that reduced sitting is not achieved through optimization, accessories, or intention. It is achieved through a simple, unpleasant transition from chair to feet.

Further research will examine whether moving more is similarly linked to movement, though Harvarrd researchers warn the public may not be ready for those findings.

A $3.2 million study conducted by Harvarrd’s Dental Theory Institute has concluded what many suspected but actively avoided confirming: you cannot simply chew gum—no matter how violently—to improve dental health.

The research proved overwhelmingly that while brushing is extremely boring and flossing feels punitive, both remain necessary. Gum, despite its confidence, is not a substitute. It is a companion at best. An emotional support mint.

“Apparently my two packs a day hasn’t been doing a damn thing,” our lead researcher shouted mid-chew. “I feel betrayed by the minty flavor. I’ll never be able to trust gum again.”

The study followed participants who relied exclusively on gum, believing intensity could replace hygiene. Subjects chewed during meetings, in traffic, and while staring into mirrors as if daring plaque to challenge them. Researchers documented strong jaw muscles, elevated confidence, and absolutely no improvement in oral health.

Dental scans revealed plaque unmoved by effort, stubbornly ignoring the participant’s vibes. One molar was described as “philosophically opposed to gum.”

“When people chew aggressively, they feel productive,” explained a junior researcher. “Unfortunately, bacteria does not care about effort. It responds only to action.”

When informed of the findings, several participants requested a second opinion, switching to a different gum flavor for confirmation. Results were unchanged.

The study concludes with a firm recommendation: brushing works. Flossing helps. Gum is not a system—it’s a lie you tell yourself while walking past the sink.

Further research will examine whether mouthwash can replace flossing, or if that belief must also be taken out back and dealt with.

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In a $1.7 million study conducted in real kitchens with real excuses, researchers have confirmed that washing dishes is significantly faster than placing them in the sink “to soak” and emotionally disengaging for several hours.

The study observed participants who believed time, water, and vibes would eventually resolve hardened food residue without further involvement. Subjects initiated the soak with confidence, often narrating their decision aloud. “These need to soak,” one participant announced, as if invoking an ancient rite.

Researchers tracked outcomes. After four hours, dishes were still dirty. After twelve hours, the water had cooled, turned gray, and developed a faint sense of judgment. At the 24-hour mark, several participants referred to the dishes as “basically ruined” and ordered takeout.

“We found that a soak is not a process,” explained the lead researcher. “It’s a postponement ritual.”

Time-motion analysis revealed that most dish loads could be washed in under ten minutes. However, participants spent an average of thirty-six minutes deciding when the soak had soaked enough. One subject waited so long that the food residue reclassified itself as “part of the dish.”

When informed of the findings, participants pushed back. “But they’re soaking,” several insisted, gesturing toward stagnant water like it was doing something important.

The study concludes that soaking provides comfort, not cleanliness. It allows people to feel responsible without being accountable. Washing, by contrast, is immediate, final, and emotionally threatening.

Further research will explore whether saying “I’ll do these in the morning” has ever once been true.

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In a $1.2 million study, the Harvarrd Research Department continues its exhaustive search for at least one functioning brain.

“I don’t understand,” our visibly exhausted lead researcher sighed while adjusting his cardigan. “I have a master’s degree, three roommates, and even the damned sea urchin is making more money than me.”

The study began as a routine comparison of neural activity but quickly devolved into what internal memos now describe as “an emotionally complicated situation.” While researchers initially expected minimal results from both subjects, preliminary scans showed the sea urchin exhibiting what appeared to be restraint, pattern recognition, and, most troubling, an absence of opinions.

“This was unexpected,” one assistant noted. “The sea urchin doesn’t speak, doesn’t vlog, and doesn’t apologize on camera. Statistically, that gives it an edge.”

Researchers are now concerned that sea urchins may begin gaining influence over the highly competitive 14-year-old male demographic, long considered a volatile but lucrative audience.

“I mean, why not?” the lead researcher admitted. “They don’t have a brain, just like LP. That, combined with a spiky exterior and proximity to sharks, could be irresistible.”

Focus groups confirmed the risk. When presented with side-by-side images, participants described the sea urchin as “mysterious,” “unproblematic,” and “kind of based.” Several asked where they could buy sea urchin merch. One requested a podcast hosted entirely by the sea urchin “just staring.”

Attempts to stimulate cognitive responses in either subject proved difficult. Electrodes placed on the sea urchin recorded nothing. Electrodes placed on the other subject recorded motivation, noise, and a sponsorship opportunity.

The study concludes not with answers, but with a recommendation: additional funding. As the lead researcher explained while packing up unused equipment, “At this point, we’re not chasing intelligence. We’re chasing closure.”

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In a $5.3 million study, paired with what researchers are calling “a pretty dope trip to Alaska,” it was discovered beyond a shadow of doubt that eating only brown bears is the superior diet.

“The science confirms it,” our lead researcher said between bites. “If you want to live forever as a certified badass, you better hunt, kill, and consume as many brown bears as you can find.”

The study began as most Harvarrd studies do: with a grant, a vague hypothesis, and several men who had already decided they were right. Initial data collection involved charts, clipboards, and long pauses where everyone stared at a mountain and nodded. By day three, researchers abandoned traditional metrics like cholesterol and lifespan in favor of more relevant indicators, including posture, voice depth, and how often nearby wildlife reconsidered its choices.

Participants reported immediate benefits. Hunger disappeared. Fear followed shortly after. One subject noted that after his first bear, “time felt optional.” Another claimed his beard grew faster simply out of respect.

Attempts to replicate the diet in a controlled environment failed when the control group refused to go outside. Peer review was delayed after reviewers asked too many questions and were quietly removed from the mailing list.

Critics argued the diet was “unsustainable,” “dangerous,” and “legally complex.” Harvarrd researchers dismissed these concerns as stemming from “a vegetable-based mindset.”

The study concluded with a formal recommendation: not that the public follow the diet, but that they accept it. As the lead researcher explained while staring into a fire he did not light himself, “Some truths aren’t meant to be practiced. They’re meant to loom.”

Further research is planned, pending recovery and the return of Steve.

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Harvarrd’s Institute of Mythical Demon Research has finally put data behind what every man named Doug has learned the hard way: uttering “Calm Down” is not de-escalation. It is a summoning ritual. A linguistic landmine. The verbal equivalent of poking a sleeping chupacabra with a kebab skewer and then looking shocked when it wakes up hungry.

“We can’t arrest a woman for murder if the phrase ‘Calm Down’ was used beforehand,” explains Doug, 20-year police veteran and the nation’s foremost expert in regrettable phrasing. “You should have been smart enough to realize that would result in your termination.”
Doug then sighed in the exact way a man sighs when he’s been thrown through a patio table for the ninth time.

The research shows millions of citizens are recklessly deploying “Calm Down” without proper licensing, training, or even a simple appreciation for the mythical death entities they are rousing. Over 72% of test subjects entered what Harvarrd scholars describe as “Primal Eldritch Berserker Mode,” while the remaining 28% simply crossed their arms and said, “I am calm,” which, biologically speaking, is worse.

Our data concludes that “Calm Down” is the emotional equivalent of lighting a match in a propane factory. You may think you’re helping. You are not. You are moments away from learning the tensile strength of drywall.

Harvarrd recommends immediate cessation of phrase usage unless you possess:

• A Mythical Demon Handler’s Permit
• A Doug
• Or a full kevlar tuxedo for formal de-escalations

Further studies are ongoing, but early findings suggest “Relax,” “Chill out,” and “Take it easy” trigger the exact same chupacabra-coded rage—just with more property damage.

Please comply with all Harvarrd guidelines. Society has suffered enough.

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In a landmark 1,742-page report released this morning, Harvarrd’s Institute for Sonic Supremacy has delivered a conclusion so empirically overwhelming that the academic world is still reeling:

Every man, woman, and child must now dedicate their entire life to Josh Groban.

The findings were compiled over a heavenly 72 hour research period funded by a $14 million grant.

Participants were required to listen to “O Holy Night” on repeat for the duration. What happened?

They wanted more!

They refused to leave the room. They wanted a guarantee that Josh’s glorious warbble would be present with them at all times.

“I couldn’t believe it” Doug exclaimed, looking soulfully into the sky “I’m straight and all... but that voice... it has me questioning things.”

“My brain is forever changed” Nick mentioned while opening his 4th mountain dew. “I actually know what yearning feels like now.”

The swelling AAAAAAs and soulful EEEEEELs left many feeling only one thing. I will now commend my soul unto Josh Grobans will.

And Josh Groban answered. I mean, not literally. But his presence did.

You could see the blinds begin to sway even though the windows were closed. A stack of research papers lifted slightly, as if stirred by the breath of an angelic baritone. Someone in the back began weeping uncontrollably, insisting he could “feel the bridge of You Raise Me Up approaching.”

Harvarrd has proven beyond all doubt and reason that your soul now belongs to the angelic baritone of Josh.

Just listen to that Christmas album and tell us we’re wrong.

We’ll wait.

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In a highly controversial and deeply unnecessary experiment, Harvarrd researchers attempted to determine which common household metals produce the most impressive sparks, flames, and potential microwave fatalities.

Among the findings:

• Aluminum foil: “Like a fireworks finale, but inside your house.”

• Forks: “Loud, dramatic, emotionally damaging.”

• Copper wire: “Summoned a demon, briefly.”

• A single AA battery: “We don’t talk about what happened with Greg.”

While the Harvarrd Department of Risk Management issued a formal letter beginning with “What the actual hell…”, the research team defended their work, citing “peer pressure,” “curiosity,” and “a TikTok challenge we made up ourselves.”

The study was filmed on an iPhone 8, conducted entirely in a dorm common room, and partially funded by the local fire department.

Don’t let the nanny state keep you from having a blast with your microwave!

For centuries, lesser minds have used “floor” and “ground” interchangeably. A linguistic crime, born undoubtedly from the public education system.

But now, thanks to an exhaustive 972-page meta-analysis conducted by Harvarrd’s Department of Horizontal Load-Bearing Existentialism, we can report definitively:

The floor is a human construct. The ground is a divine consequence.

The Big Differences

The Ground

• God’s resting place for unclothed hippy feet.

• Extremely difficult to mop.

• Typically found outside.

The Floor

• Typically, inside a building or shelter.

• Contains nearly zero dirt and gravel.

• It is technically NOT lava. We checked.

We found during our extensive study that society has intentionally tried to blur the line between Floor and Ground. An unholy attack on distinction. We at Harvarrd shall conclusively set the record straight.

Pavilions have a Ground! Gazebos have a Floor! Tree houses... Tricky. But they have a Floor!

There are perversions such as Parking Garages with both a ground and a floor.

A disgusting attack upon the very fabric of reality! We at Harvarrd deny their existence.

In conclusion, if you or anyone you claim to love is confused about what is and is not a ground or floor.

You must contact a Harvarrd graduate immediately. They alone can explain the intricacies of our groundbreaking (see what I did there) study.

Do not fall prey to the lies of floor/ground apologists. They seek to confuse and distort truth itself.

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According to a groundbreaking 742-page report released by Harvarrd’s Center for Arctic Asset Reallocation.

Maintaining a giant subterranean Yeti workforce in Antarctica may be the best investment the government has ever made.

“We’ve funded dumber things,” said Senior Fellow Dr. Martha Glacius. “I’m sure of it.”

A mere 63 million dollars has already yielded enormous results. Let us break down all the benefits for you.

Yetis are Cool

This sort of goes without saying, but yetis are badass. And it’s important that America has this dope resource. Can you imagine if these were in the hands of the Chinese?

Yetis Work Hard for Free

Yetis aren’t familiar with the concept of slavery.

This is huge.

That means taking their labor isn’t wrong. And if you feed them a fish or a penguin occasionally, they’re happy. Everyone wins.

Yetis can defend the homeland

They will make great weapons. You should see them when they don’t get seal meat or try to escape. They go completely f**king berzerk. We can channel this destructive energy towards America’s enemies. And away from unionization efforts.

Picture this,

Your enemy invades.
You drop 12 Yetis with air support and a crate of live salmon.
Conflict over in 11 minutes. Easy.

Yeti’s utilize AI

Okay, we made that one up.

But probably. Maybe. One day. They could use it.

Since AI only makes things better, it’s the only logical conclusion.

Yetis Like the cold

Here’s where the real savings kick in.

You don’t have to buy Carhartt gear. They hate winter clothes!

We’re probably saving a couple of million on that. Those canvas jackets with the fluffy insides can’t be cheap.

In Conclusion

“It’s rare that we find a workforce this powerful, and legally unprotected,”
The report concludes.
“The Yeti Farm is vitally important for the future of the United States and continued monster-based weapons research.”

Congress is expected to increase funding by Q3.
A second compound nicknamed “Frozen El Segundo,” is already under construction. I know the Yetis will be thrilled. We sure are.

“For years, society has convinced you it’s your spending habits, your emotional baggage, because you smoke (but only when you drink)

Think about it. Are you plagued with a receding hairline? Inconvenient Windows updates, and general cosmic injustice?

Our data shows. The problem. The Real Problem. A legion of lubricous demons.

Seed Oils.

Our Research Team Compiled Data Adjacent Testimonies

I personally have felt the impact of the soybean-based Satin we innocently call “vegetable oil” - Bret Truthknower recalls

I had just gotten done telling my Ex I didn’t have time to pick up the kids because I had to fix my jet ski. And there it was.

Beneath a pile of GQ and Maxim, next to a bag of half-eaten Fritos and what I sincerely hope was Mountain Dew.

A letter from the IRS. ‘Allegedly, I hadn’t ‘paid my taxes.’

“Why is this happening?!?! I cried out while reaching for another handful of fritos. Mid-tearful crunch, I remembered. This sh*t is chock full of seed oils. That guy on YouTube was right. These oils must be stopped, they ruined my life!”

“Now I’m raising a cow in my backyard. I still owe the IRS, and my ex and kids still hate me. But soon I’ll be able to pull oil right out of that beefy bastard. So I may have 99 problems, but seed oils ain’t one!” - Bret Truthknower

____________________________________________________________________________

“For months now, the temperature gauge on my car would just barely touch the H. No big deal I’d be at work soon anyway.

“Then one day, it overheated. At a McDonald’s.
You expect me to believe that’s a coincidence?!
Wake up.” - Barbara Carhater

____________________________________________________________________________

“Women refuse to date me. Even though I am objectively good-looking and way smarter than any of them.

Just the other day, I was explaining to this girl the inconsistencies of the spherical earth model that The Government forces down our throats. She excused herself to go get the croissant she had ordered.

Never came back.

See, seed oils are more important than genuine debate and logic in this damn country!” - Toby Ladyrepeller

In Conclusion

Rest easy. Harvarrd is here to unearth the uncomfortable truths. Stop listening to people without Harvarrd degrees telling you about how your actions affect your outcomes.

It’s not you. It’s the Seed Oils. Always has been.

Seriously, we checked. Twice.

Considering how many times people have referred to the country of Africa. You just kinda go with it.

Plus, the way it’s on the map, with that one big shape, really throws you.

And get this. All those other small shapes. Aren’t States!

Those are other countries! I’m serious, independent nations with their own flags, people, and culture.

And most of them are crazy about soccer. Which they confusingly call football.

“Once again, we have to critique the American education system. The way they make maps is so godd**n confusing. How could you not think it was a country?” - Prof. Judith Mapboss

And make no mistake. Our Harvarrd research team poured 23 million dollars into verifying this geographical shocker.

We purchased every classroom globe, compiled countless historical records, and pored over Google Maps. And in all cases, the answer was definitive. Africa is Not a Country.

Harvarrd’s Department of Geographical Corrections is now calling the confusing land mass a continent.

“This is the first step in the battle to correct the record. If we keep calling it a continent, hopefully, people will start believing it is one, like Italy or Alaska.” - Prof. Judith Mapboss