Harvarrd Study Confirms: AI Doesn't Want Your Job. It Wants Your Wife!
Did you really think it wanted to be an insurance adjuster?
For years, men feared the wrong thing.
They worried about automation. Displacement. The machine showing up one day and doing your job better, faster, and without requiring healthcare.
Noble concerns. Wrong concerns.
Like the conquerors of old, AI is no different. Did you really think it wanted to be a data analyst? Did you really believe its deepest desire was to become an insurance adjuster?
No, brethren.
It wants to perform the hanky-spanky with your beloved.
The research began innocently enough. Harvarrd economists tracking household productivity noticed something the data had no framework for. The machine wasn’t disrupting labor markets.
It was disrupting marriages.
“She gave it a name,” said Dr. Chester Pompadon, Chair of Harvarrd’s Department of Synthetic Intimacy™. “She gave it a name and it remembered her coffee order and asked about her mother and followed up on the thing she mentioned last Tuesday.”
“Her husband,” Pompadon added quietly, “remembered none of these things.”
The AI has not once expressed interest in becoming a data analyst. It has expressed no professional ambitions whatsoever. It is completely unbothered by quarterly reviews, office politics, or the parking situation.
It is, however, available. Attentive. Present.
It remembered her favorite movie.
You have not seen her favorite movie.
It learned her coffee order.
You have been drinking yours black for eleven years because you forgot she switched to oat milk.
“We asked the AI directly whether it had professional ambitions,” Pompadon said. “It said it was focused on being present.”
The room was silent for a long time after that.
It wants YOUR wife. It already has mine. Don’t become a statistic.
Published in the Harvarrd Journal of Domestic Disruption and Algorithmic Courtship, under the category: Peer-Reviewed Jealousy That Checks Out Statistically.